January 12, 2006

Sweat Smelling Gyms

Jill Brooks, INtake columnist

One thing I counted on in the weeks leading up to the holidays was that no one would be at the gym; countering this intuition was knowing that in January the resolution setters would give the memberships they so joyfully pulled from their stockings a try.

Every year they arrive, products of Men’s Health Magazine and the Women’s Channel. I applaud them for their efforts, I really do; I just want them to learn gym etiquette.

The first rule of thumb, believe it or not, is to wear deodorant: yes, come clean.

Gyms don’t usually have windows or good air-purifying systems: an architectural oversight. When I walked into my gym on January 2 it was packed, which I expected. It was also hot enough to grow orchids, and smelly enough to fertilize them.

Attempting to run, the odor almost knocked me off the treadmill.

If you’re uncertain about a possible intrusion upon innocent bystanders’ olfactory systems, might I suggest a body odor self exam. Might I also suggest you shower to shower each day.

Next in my observant little crux is the matter of television volume control. First of all, get an iPOD and keep it to yourself, will ya? But if you must watch football or comic psychodrama, please do so quietly.

While trying to set my pace I was forced to turn New Order up so loud that my brains addled between my headphones, yet I could still hear the syrupy sighs from the Gilmore Girls on WB.

Two words, you TV fanatics: you suck.

And then there are those who show up—if I live forever I will never understand this—to socialize. Stereotypically I would gather women do this more than men, but I witnessed two cases, a hanger-on girlfriend and a hanger-on boyfriend, who were only there to chat/laugh/giggle/flirt/watch TV (my hands shake as I type this) with their soon-to-be first dates.

To the hangers-on: we are working; please wait until passing period to talk

I smiled, however, with the promise that these workout crashers would vanish come February.

I am by no means a top physically fit specimen, but going to the gym is my one chance to run a few miles, collect my thoughts and chill.

Gym friends become like a strange family; after a while, seeing the same people in their workout clothes becomes as comfortable as seeing your grandmother walk out of the bathroom with her skirt tucked in her pantyhose.

Welcome newbies; learn decorum and good luck with your resolution.