August 10, 2006
Superhuman aspirations
She's no Wonder Woman, but a girl can dream, right?

Jill Brooks Jill Brooks
INtake columnist

I simply don't get TV, especially reality TV.

I've spent a total of six delusional minutes flipping between a few reality shows, but I felt no allegiance toward Puck as I already knew he wasn't my brand of roommate, and I didn't need to view Rupert building shelter out of coconuts, or whatever he did, to trust that he's a cool guy.

There was no way the channel changer was ever going to stop at "Cops" or "Who Wants to be A Millionaire."

To me, television keeps the dust on books. But I must admit that the new "Who Wants to be A Superhero?" has piqued my curiosity.

I may even forgo productivity one night just to catch an episode. I never had the body to fill Wonder Woman's costume, but the boots were sure nice.

I wanted to be Samantha on "Bewitched." She was kind, independent and powerful.

I can raise one eyebrow, giving the universal glower signifying disappointment (can't all women do this?), but unfortunately my nose won't twitch.

And unlike Sam, I would never marry two separate men whom no one could tell apart.

My superhero name would be The Social Independent.

My secret identity would be: Girl Next Door. My alter ego would undoubtedly maintain a squeaky clean headquarters.

I would fight for recycling, animal rights, facing fears about vegetables and being allowed time off work for traveling to concerts.

I'd be prone to shoe shopping but immune to poison ivy.

My cape could be used as a tablecloth, a pot holder or an evening gown, and I'd be a gourmet chef able to open tight jars with a single twist.

I'd speak seven languages, cleverly turn phrases and be on Jon Stewart's holiday card list. (I could watch Jon building a shelter out of coconuts for hours.)

I would have a perfect shower voice and perfect pitch, and therefore be a singer in a rock band.

I could stream music between my fingers, but -- look out -- my vulnerability would be hip-hop.

Hip-hop would make my ears bleed, and then I couldn't hear the monitor while on stage. I'd only wear dresses, and I'd never have to shovel snow again. I'd own a vegetarian restaurant near the sea, and my lipstick would be everlasting.

I'd write good poetry, not the crap I currently scrawl, and my catch phrase would be: "Be still my heart."

Most importantly, I'd be the first superhero to daydream and nap, because a superhero must play to her strengths.